The End

I didn't think the end would come like this. I always imagined that I would drive up to the line and then realize that we'd reach a roadblock, in which we would both just get out of the car and walk our separate ways. For the second time in weeks, I am bawling uncontrollably, and I have no one to blame but myself. I am responsible for my heartache and all that is left to do is pick myself up and move forward, however much I don't want to.

I am sorry.
I'm sorry for everything that I didn't say and should have said.
I'm sorry for treating you the ways I did at times.
I'm sorry for all of my wrong-doings.
I'm sorry for not trusting you the way I should have.
I'm sorry for not giving myself to you entirely, for keeping a piece of me separate.
I'm sorry for the things I said, knowing they'd make you feel a certain way.
I'm sorry for lying to you and not being honest with you, my biggest regret of them all.
I'm sorry for all of the times that I didn't say "I'm sorry" when I should have.

I know I'm too late in all of this. You are gone. These last weeks and especially last night were the lessons I needed; the lessons in humility, responsibility, respect, trust, honesty. Everything a relationship is based on, but I failed to build that.

People make mistakes and it's important that we learn from them. I wish I had made these mistakes with someone before you, so that I could do everything for you that I didn't. To give myself to you entirely. I realize now that even that piece I kept separated isn't able to help me pick myself and move on. That piece doesn't really exist; it never did. It was connected to you in a way I'll never understand, but now that you are gone, I have nothing. I have my pain, I have my heartache, but no way of building myself up again. I know you will say I will get over you and move in-- I don't think I will. I don't really want to, either.

There are so many things running through my head that I can't keep them straight. All I know is that I was skidding toward an emotional breakdown last night and I've been trying to slam on the brakes. But they've failed and I'm experiencing an emotional impact, one that is sure to leave a permanent mark and may not be able to be fixed.

I heard the rain coming in through my window this morning; all I could think of was the dream I had yesterday while I was napping. Even then, it was painful to watch in my head and painful to talk about later. Even now, it hurts to think of it.

I wish there was something I could do to make all of this better. You think I will go back to the way I used to be, the girl that all of your friends warned you about. I'm not that person; I have no desire to go back. Regardless, I am going to do my best to build it back up. You'll say "It's too late. You had your chance and you fucked it up". I know that. But all I can do now is prove to myself (and everyone else) that I am not that person, that I can be that perfect Jillian that I still owe you. Even though you are no longer here.

I hate myself for what I did.
I love you.
I will always love you.
I love you.