School has been a marvel, yet at the same time almost vague. Like driving through a foreign city in a blurry haze. You see the outlines of things that could be quite interesting, but at the same time you look back and wonder where all those people actually are who to you are sitting in the same places, in the same patterns, the same memories.
There are beautiful people here, the work I am doing is wonderful and leaves me infinitely intrigued, but with many hours left after my final class, I find myself wondering what it is exactly that I am supposed to be doing. Even what I know what is expected of me.
Luckily, in the vibrancy of meeting new people, the haze, I do see outlines of friends emerging. It has been over a year, it feels like I should be developing some new friends, although I wish to keep the old ones close, too.
I am sort of in a free flow thought zone, I haven't done anything remotely productive, and I started this entry with no end or purpose.
My life involving men is no longer a mess, which is quite a surprise. As Hsu would say, 'Like puzzle pieces mashed together in a spasm of sadness.' It left me questioning, which I regret. I knew there wasn't anything in it when I began, so I don't know why I let it get where it went, to where there were all the messy feelings flying about like dirty socks when you are trying to find your keys.
As it is, I am hoping that it will simply 'fall into place', as it did last year. On the other hand, if by spring it hasn't that will be my sign that I actually should be somewhere else. Maybe somewhere like Virginia. Or Massachusetts.
I am not planning on failure though. I think I will move on nicely. I hope so at least. New schools will undoubtedly bring their fair share of new problems as well.
Enough said, hopefully it is just because I hurt for myself. Hopefully. Hopefully, I don't end up a monster of a person.
No comments:
Post a Comment