And When I Say It, I Mean It...

"I want to run into the deep and let the deep call out to me.

I want to lose myself in your love."

I found this as a caption, beneath a photo of my friend. It evoked a number of images, mostly running across the fields at Zilker Park. I took several polaroids there, some of my favorite. That was a wonderful time in my life, in between people, happy, successful in school, not in a funk.

I'm re-watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. One of my favorite movies. I really feel for Joel, trying to remove someone from my mind. But unlike him, I don't want to change my mind and call it all off. There are people I want out of my head. Sometimes, I feel the only way I can remove them is to be nasty and harsh to them. But I can't do that. That's not me. I hope I never have the desire to remove him from my head.

There's this scene in the movie, when two of them are dancing around, him in his pants and without a shirt. Her in a wifebeater and her underwear, her hair bouncing around her shoulders. I want that of us, to jump and dance on a couch or a bed. To be ridiculous. No one watching us. Not caring. I want that all the time. To go to sleep each night with you. To wake up beside you each morning.

I remember when I first said it to you. It's not how I planned it at all. Mostly, I remember when I first thought it, when I knew. We were walking across campus. Your brisk stride. The way you held my hand tightly, as if protecting me from the shadows strewn across our path. I will always remember these walks.

I remember when you first said it to me. I will always remember those moments. Sometimes, I feel they are constantly stolen from us, replaced by work, school obligations, other things in life we always find ourselves preoccupied with. I asked you when you knew that you loved me. You told me it was when you came after me nights before, when I was tired and upset. That when I told you that you could find your own ride home, you came after me. Normally, you'd say "Fuck it" and go get drunk with your buddies downstairs. But you came after me...

I want to run across the fields. Toss a frisbee. Flop down on the grass. I want to go to a drive-in movie, go ice skating with you. I want to go to a parade and laugh at all the floats that go by. I want to snap photos of you in the early morning, and late at night, and during the day, when you're not paying attention. I want to take the train with you and stare out the window into the endless countryside. I want to go to Boston, when it's freezing and the snow is up to our calves and the Charles is frozen over. There are so many memories I want to make with you.