Let Me Please Breakdown

I had a breakdown this evening, almost as soon as I walked in the front door of my house. I'd spent a glorious day in Austin with friends, swimming in Barton Springs and messing around in Toy Joy. The ride home was alright-- the cold water at Barton Springs took a lot out of me and I fell asleep briefly (not very comfortable).

Jake took me home. We sat outside talking about various things, mostly his love life and his current perspective of it. I gave him my advice-- he's always loved that I was a logical and rational being. In the past few hours, I don't feel this way. Dad came home from work, rolling up on his bike, demanding that I go inside and help Mom. It's hell when this happens-- her not being prepared for something SHE scheduled. I tell Dad "I don't want to hear it". I don't want to hear it because it upsets me and angers me, leading me to scream. I'm trying to remain civil. So it's best that I not interact with or be around them during this time.

I don't know where this anger comes from. It seeps through my veins, poisoning my blood, making me do things I most often regret doing. Pushing people away, saying mean things. None of it is necessary.

I was crying on my way home from HEB, after running an errand for Mom. I didn't respond to phone calls from Jake or Christian because I was in such a state that: 1) I would not be understood and; 2) I don't want my friends to see me like this.

I'm not even sure why I'm crying. It's a mixture of things, I'm sure. I got to talk to Cameron today, so I could be happy from that. Being unnecessarily yelled at by Mom and Dad could have done it. My feelings for people and where they reside could be another reason. Finally, arriving home from the store, to find out Andrew is back made me break down-- certainly tears of joy & happiness.

My emotions are all over the place and I hate it. Why can't I constantly be logical and rational, the voice of reason? Not hyperventilating, sniffling, and wiping my face on the sleeve of my shirt. I don't like being that person. I'm in a position that I don't want to interact with anyone. To sit and watch movies, eat a whole pint of ice cream on my own and just cry. This is where I stand. I don't like being this person, either. But I guess it is one of the things that makes me human...