Hindsight: 20-20

Although I've cut him from my life, he still floats his way into my head from time to time. I found myself thinking about all the things I had gotten for him while on the road to Monterey for the weekend. The Mills fleece. The silk necktie. The hand embroidered handkerchiefs. The nice drinking glasses. What do I have? A stupid fucking teddy bear and a nice photo frame (with a picture of us).

I continue to realize that as time passes, I put so much into that relationship and gave up so much of myself. And even though I'm rebuilding and moving forward, I feel terrible for the new man in my life, because I'm cautious. Cautious of being attached, of getting too close, of being the cutesy romantic I tend to become when I meet someone who becomes another source of light and happiness in my life.

I found quite a bit of what I had once written to Sohaib, back when things were very different. I read them, read between the lines, think back on the occasions with new perspective. My god, who was I? What had I become? I recognize the girl, but at the same time, she is completely different. How did this manage to happen?

That's easy to answer-- I became someone who I wasn't. I'm not sure who that was, exactly. But I gave up so much of what made me the quirky, awkward human being that everyone sees me as. Yes, I learned so many lessons about myself and others that I will use in my relationship once again. Would I go back and change things? Maybe. I'm not sure. If I went back and change things, it would change the future, where I sit now.

And honestly, I wouldn't change where I stand now, even if it's tough and 500 miles away from someone who is becoming both my best friend and someone I want to experience life with.