Hidden Love

This was found written on the back of the photo he gave me for Valentine's Day. I never would have found it, had he not prompted me to look there "before I throw it away". I never would have found it-- the picture would have stayed there, just as it and as it will. I'm not getting rid of it. I won't and I can't.

I am super oceanum venit a seniore marito
flava pruinoso quae vehit axe diem.
'Quo properas, aurora? mane! sic memnonis umbris
annua sollemni caede parentet avis!
nunc iuvat in teneris dominae iacuisse lacteris;
si quando, lateri nunc bene iuncta meo est.
nunc etiam somni pingues et frigidus aer,
et liquidum tenui gutture cantat avis,
quo properas, ingrata viris, ingrata puellis?
roscida purpurea supprime lora manu!


She's coming. Even now frosty axles whir. Gold-haired Dawn is flying
over ocean, speeding from her old husband.
"What's your hurry, Aurora? Rest awhile and allow Memnon's shadow
the honor his battling birds give but once a year.
Now it's pleasant just to lie here, my darling's soft arms
around me, her body close against mine.
Now sleep feels slow and lazy and the chill air of early morning is alive
with the liquid song of soft-throated birds.
What's your hurry? No lover or his girl welcomes your coming --
grip the dew-drenched reins; pull back your rosy hand.

(Translation courtesy of Paul Sembera and http://www.stoa.org/diotima/anthology/amores1.13.shtml)

Reading this, I want to beat myself up even more for what I did.
Always, each and every day of my life, I want to go back and change things.
But all I can do is change now-- he doesn't see it, but I do and I feel it.
We're both being blind to what's in front of us and we've both let wonderful things in our lives go, when we could've held tight and fought through. Maybe one day, we will both wake up and truly see it. And when we do, I hope we can greet each other as we always have: with love and affection and compassion for one another.

Until then, I will wait for that day. I will continue to live life as well as I can, but I will wait for him. I would wait for him until the end of time. I love him. You don't leave the people you love. And so, I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere, no matter how many times people tell me to forget about it and move on. There's no moving on. That's abandonment. I am fixing this, whether he sees it or not.