Tonight allowed me to think about only one thing. I stepped outside of my shoes and looked at my situation from the perspective of the man I love. Today and last night (and on several other occasions over the last six months) I had been listening to him. But was I hearing what he was saying to me?
Thinking about it, I realize that I'm not. I've been selfish-- I've sat on my ass, expecting him to do pretty much everything. EXTREMELY far from fair. I always used to pride myself on being equal in my relationships and caring my weight. Man, was I full of SHIT until tonight.
I realize that I have changed in many great ways since meeting him, all changes for the better. But there are still instances that I am the same. I posted something here last night, something that I had written from another time, as a different person. I posted it as a means to piss him off. Inadvertently, I pushed him away and destroyed trust that he had in me. Why did I do that? Can I not allow myself to be happy? (Something my mom always used to say to me-- I would shoot myself in the foot often when I was younger. Seems I do it still).
One person is interfering in my life and this is adding to the stress. The man I love would say that he's trying to destroy us and our relationship. I never wanted to believe that and I never saw it for what it was. Until tonight. I'm getting rid of him. I see now that it's hurting me and everything that I've been working for. No more.
I don't know if you'll see this, but I hope that you will. I'm not the best in articulating my thoughts on the spot. I've always been a "write-it-out" kind of person. I hope you will see this and that you see what's been going through my head since I left this afternoon.
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