The Letter that Changed My Life

Jillian,

I didn’t know how much I would miss you till after you were gone. I miss everything about you. The constant knot in my gut is not unraveling like I wish it would but tightening into a indestructible mass which will leave a scar forever. I tried to protect myself; I couldn't. After the first two times you hurt me I thought there was no going back. But something brought me back both times. After the first time I knew I shouldn't come back but you convinced me that it was different. You have a way of doing that too me. It may not be your skill in the art of persuasion but the dream that what you say could be real. I am not doubting its truth but I am doubting your ability to comprehend what you are feeling. The times we were together made me happier than I have been in a long time and I wanted to believe that it could happen, because you said it could. I wanted to believe in you. But every time you fucked up it is harder and harder.

You ask why I like you and want to be with you after all that has happened. That question from the outside looking in looks impossible to answer but for me it is easy. I see potential. I see nothing as impossible. I see the best in people. You may have your faults. There are things that really bother me about you but they are insignificant compared what else you offer. To me there is more then attraction. Yes you are beautiful, but it is the way that your presence heals me. When I am around you nothing else matters. On the surface we have so much in common but I don’t need to remind you of that. There is also so much deep down that we have in common. We have the same fears but we deal with them differently.

At first I thought I could help you. I thought that I could sew you back together so you were one again but i realized that I cant do that, you have to. You are scared to commit because you don’t trust yourself. You don’t trust other people. You have lost hope and act on impulse. You are trying to make yourself happier but anytime you do something you mess yourself up more. It is a snowball which is gathering velocity and mass. You rationalize it all by blaming your pain on all the shit going on in your life when you are causing your own pain. Nobody can fix it but you. Once you realize that you have don’t have a destiny of misfortune and you take personal responsibility you will realize that you can change.

After the short period of time that we have known each other and many struggles we have had I do care a lot about you. Even though it is hard I do and always will believe in you. If I didn't I wouldn't have stayed around. Now all that has to happen is you have to believe in yourself and be the strong person that you are scared of being.

With love,
Mitchell