Getting Older

It's beginning to occur to me how much older I am becoming. This, or perhaps how much people are attempting to grow up at such a young age.

I had a dream involving an ex-ex (several times over) boyfriend, in which he told me he was thinking about asking his girlfriend to marry him. Turns out, they are engaged. The fact that we are not yet 20 makes me feel like life is in fast forward. Dinner conversation over sushi last night with my best friend made me think about what I want to do and what that means for my desire to have a family.

It's like I slapped myself in the face, telling myself to wake up! You're 19 years old, for godsakes! You're in your first year of college, with at least another 7 or so years to go. Why are you thinking about wanting to settle down when your deepest desires and passions lay in exploring the world and everything in it? How can you do that when you have a family?

It was a good wake up call, something I needed. I realize now it's perfectly fine to be attached and give yourself to another. But you have to remember what it is that YOU want and what that might mean for the other person.

And somehow, I thought the news of the engagement would pain me- Not one bit. I realized months ago that in the end, it was not going to be me. I couldn't be happier. At that point, I lost everything. And it set me free.