Nov. 4, 2008

I slipped comfortably into sleep last night, barely aware of my phone ringing, telling me ____ has sent me a text. It's 10.45 and my eyelids are heavy and the night is black as spilled printer's ink. Perhaps it's because DST has ended and it is dark by 6.15, as I run across the meadow back to my dorm for dinner after running. No matter, as I am finally going to bed at a decent hour, rather than at the early hours of the morning.

I spoke to ____ for 20 min. last night before I fell into sleep. Speaking with him so casually solidifies two very important things:

1. I am over and passed the rejection that he is happier with ______ by his side, than he is with me and;


2. We are very much capable of being friends, despite all the occurrences between the two of us.

It was after getting off the phone with him that I slipped into sleep and began to dream. I can't help but wonder if my conversation had any influence over my dreams and my mind's activity as I slept.

In my dream, I drowned. I watched this from 2 perspectives - I was myself, surrounded by the cool, crisp waters of the lake, not attempting to kick frantically to the surface to save myself. And then, I was watching myself give up, my hair light and spread out in the water, my body going limp. And then I was myself again, all of my thoughts and memories flashing across my mind and before my eyes. Memories of him. Of myself. Of us together. All of these memories...

It was also the night from which I awoke suddenly, covered in the dewey, salty dampness of my sweat. All alone. With no one by myside.

Nov. 11, 2008
The one class I should be paying attention in, my mind has drifted once more. ___. I think of his long, beautiful eyelashes. I think of the sex we've had and the sex we have yet to have. I'm tired of the sex I've had since I've moved out here - the sex where the aim is JUST to sex and nothing else. I long for the slow, smooth sex of romance, of emotion. The one person I have felt THIS good about in quite some time. I want to pick his brain, figure out what makes him tick, his beliefs, perspectives, what his life is like before moving to ________, his experiences. I'm such a nosey person - I want to know the stories behind his scars and the memories that stick with him everywhere he goes and those which he thinks about most often. I hope we will together for awhile - it would be nice for Mom & Dad to meet him, when they come out west in February.

Like him, I fall asleep each night and awake each morning with the feeling and the notion that he has been by my side throughout the night. Often, I can feel his arm around me and his chest, as it rises and falls while we sleep. Occasionally, his heartbeat comes to me. It is comforting, even if it is all in my head, for the time being.

I dreamt last night that I was shot in my right eye. I wandered around Fiesta Texas, amongst throngs of people I once knew, pleading for help. No one seemed to care. All of them, I recognized but not once did anyone approach me. Perhaps in my dream, I was not ME. Rather, I was someone who wasn't cared about. This made me think of ___ and our conversation last night. Last night was the first time since April, possibly May, that I was left upset and emotionally worn down as a result of our conversation. Maybe the fact that I had tears streaming out of my right eye is symbolic of the fact that I was shot in that very eye hours later, while I slept and dreamt.

My dreams have been extremely violent since my trip to Portland and the (abstract) loss of ____ and the (physical) loss of ____. Hopefully now, my dreams will settle, now that I am finally happy.